And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
