woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Im part way to drunk.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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