The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
