cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
