One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
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I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
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I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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