my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
