he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
