So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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