Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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