Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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