Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think people are normalizing furries
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
