first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
