My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
