im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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