I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
