found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
