Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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