Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The air was thick with penises
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
