My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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