I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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