apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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