***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
