You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
