Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I will pee on everything he values.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
