it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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