so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
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Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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