the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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