Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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