He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
