Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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