wrigley field is MILF paradise
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
