i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
