I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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