I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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