If that was your dad, he is hot
is wine microwaveable?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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