She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
