Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
