I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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