i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
