nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
50% drunk capacity currently
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize