i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
