i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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