She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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