Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
