She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
