i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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