our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
