I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
