2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
