I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
