Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
