Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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