break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I want her autograph on my taint
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
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I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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