Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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