There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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