Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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